The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
