I just saw a hot homeless man
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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