well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
