My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
