dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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