you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
