he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
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Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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