I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
