i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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