ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
