I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
