i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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