turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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