i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
