If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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