Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
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