Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
