I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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