I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
