onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
