I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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