rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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