I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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