I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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