The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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