she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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