I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
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His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
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The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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