we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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