Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I smell stomach acid.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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