I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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