my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
