I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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