my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
