Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So much rum. So many feels.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
