How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
