Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
