New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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