The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
