Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
