Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
