i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
