hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
