My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
