i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
