I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
