meet me or not, i'm out of control
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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