I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
