at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
