Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
