We won't sleep together?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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