You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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