I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Everyone says I win the strip club
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
