No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
