he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
