my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
