Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
