haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
